Habit or Addiction?

By Rabbi Moshe Krieger, Yeshivas Bircas HaTorah (www.bircas.org)

Parashas Ki Seitzei deals with the ben sorer u’moreh, the rebellious son. In order to be convicted, this young man needs to be just over the age of thirteen, steal meat and wine from his father, consume it in another location, have both of his parents willingly turn him over to beis din to get whipped, repeat the act, and be tried by the Sanhedrin. The Gemara adds even more conditions. Indeed, Chazal (Sanhedrin 71a) state that a fatal case of ben sorer u’moreh never occurred and never will occur.

The laws of a ben sorer u’moreh take up a number of verses. Why does the Torah devote so much space to a purely theoretical law?

Chazal (ibid.) teach us that Hashem gave us these laws so that we may delve into them and receive reward for doing so. This doesn’t fully answer our question, though. There are many practical laws that we can delve into and receive reward for. The Ramban even writes (Iggeres HaRamban) that every law in the Torah has some practical application to our everyday lives. What lesson can we learn from this?

Rav Aharon Kotler says that the parashah of ben sorer u’moreh contains a powerful message for us. If we examine this theoretical youth’s story, we’ll see that he didn’t become a ben sorer u’moreh overnight. The Mishnah (Sanhedrin 71b) says that a ben sorer u’moreh is sentenced to death because of the direction that his life is taking. The Gemara (Sanhedrin 72a) explains that this boy never learned self-restraint, to the extent that he steals from his own father. His gluttony went unchecked, getting worse and worse until he knows no limits. The Torah is testifying that he has reached a point of no return. As soon as his father stops (willingly or unwillingly) supporting his gluttonous lifestyle, he will find other ways to continue on his chosen path, legal or not. Inside, this young man is ready to become a murderer for the sake of his habits. Therefore, Hashem says in His mercy, “Let him die innocent and not guilty.”

How far can habit take a person? It seems that it can even take away his ability to correct his behavior! Though the ben sorer u’moreh remains a fictitious character, similar examples exist. A man can become so engrossed in making money that as he strives to succeed he ends up lying, cheating, and even stealing. It becomes second nature to him, and eventually it can even become involuntary. At a certain point, he can barely be aware that he is doing something wrong.

The Rambam (Hilchos Teshuvah 7:3) writes that just like a person must repent for his sins, he must also repent for his bad character traits and habits that he is accustomed to. The Rambam brings anger, jealousy, arrogance, frivolity, and pursuit of physical pleasure as examples of issues that need a great deal of attention. Repenting for these is harder than repenting for most other sins.

How can we start repenting? Rav Yisrael Salanter stresses that it is a rare person who can change in a day. For most of us, change is ideally achieved by taking small steps. Big jumps and standards that aren’t yet within our reach are ineffective. We are unable to keep the momentum of drastic change going, and soon find ourselves right back where we started. By making small, easily-implemented corrections to our behavior, we will see results, sometimes in a relatively short period of time.

However, Rav Yechezkel Levenstein has advice for those who wish to change themselves quickly: He cites Rabbeinu Yonah, who writes (Sha’arei Teshuvah 2:3) that a quick path to repentance can be found through acquiring a mochi’ach, a personal rebuker. In earlier times, people were actually paid to go around rebuking others! These mochichim were highly proficient. They knew how to shake people up, and caused many people to abandon their old ways. Today, we do not have professional rebukers, but there are still ways to shock ourselves into changing. If one learns a good mussar sefer or reads the rebuke of the prophets as if it was meant for him personally, he can become aroused to do something about his situation. One can seize the moment of inspiration and resolve to make a change, because the momentary shift in consciousness can allow a person to make commitments that would seem impossible in his normal state.

A rav can also be a good “shock” source. Because of the responsibility that he feels for your growth, he may be willing to tell you which aspect of your character can use some work. Certainly if you ask him for help, he will be more than willing to assist you in overcoming your flaws.

Habit is a powerful force. Still, it’s important to know that the more spiritual we become, the less of a grip our routines will have on us. Sometimes, habits continue simply because we are afraid of change. If our focus is on Hashem, though, we can learn to let go of these habits and reach levels that we never thought were possible.

HaRav Moshe Feinstein used to eat cake on occasion. However, he was once at an event, and he realized that the kosher status of the food was questionable according to his standards. As the guests were milling about sampling the buffet, Rav Moshe stood to the side. The host asked Rav Moshe if there was something wrong, and pressed him to eat a piece of cake, at least.

“I’m sorry, I don’t eat cake,” said Rav Moshe. The host expressed his apologies and left Rav Moshe alone.

From that moment until the end of his life, Rav Moshe never tasted cake again. He considered his excuse to the host to be binding, as if he had vowed never to eat cake again.

Although we may never reach the level of Rav Moshe Feinstein, it is worth reading this story to see how much control a human being can have over his habits.

May we be zocheh to rid ourselves of our bad habits!

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Rabbi Krieger’s “Gedolei Yisroel on the Parashah & Yamim Tovim” is now available from the Yeshiva office, Jewish bookstores worldwide and can be ordered online at https://www.feldheim.com/gedolei-yisroel-on-Parashah-yamim-tovim-2.