“Repaying” Hashem’s Kindness

By Rabbi Moshe Krieger, Yeshivas Bircas HaTorah

In the beginning of Parashas Vayishlach we learn that Yaakov was very frightened. His brother Esav was heading towards him with an army of four hundred men. Yaakov prepared for war. Rashi points out that his preparations included defensive measures, offensive measures, and, most importantly, prayer.

In the text of his prayer, Yaakov says that he is smaller than all of the great kindnesses that Hashem had done for him, yet he still asks, “Hashem, please save me from my brother, from Esav.”

Many commentators note that Yaakov knew he had done no sin at all, but he still was afraid that he lacked the zechuyos (merits) to defeat his brother.

This is hard to understand. What was Yaakov afraid of? Surely he did not lack merit. This was the same Yaakov Avinu who testified about himself (Rashi on Bereishis 32:5), “I lived with Lavan, and yet, I fulfilled all the 613 mitzvos.” Was he not a “dweller of tents” his entire life, constantly immersed in learning? This was the same Yaakov who learned for fourteen consecutive years in the beis midrash of Eiver even though he was fleeing from Esav!

Moreover, Yaakov certainly knew that Hashem was with him. The verse clearly states that he met angels when he entered Eretz Yisrael (Bereishis 32:2). The Midrash (Bereishis Rabbah 74) states that six hundred thousand angels had waited outside of Eretz Yisrael in order to accompany him to Lavan. Even now, as he was on his way to meet Esav again, Yaakov himself sent angels to ascertain what sort of meeting to expect. If Yaakov had angels at his beck and call, did that not mean that Hashem was with him? Why was he so afraid?

Rav Yechezkel Levenstein offers an answer, citing Chovos HaLevavos (Sha’ar Avodas Elokim, 6): One of the many reasons we are obligated to serve Hashem is because of all the chessed He has done for us. This is a reason why the Jews have so many more mitzvos than the gentiles do—we have received so much more from Him. This concept applies on the individual level as well. The more a person receives from Hashem, the greater is his debt to Him.

This explains Yaakov Avinu’s fear. Yaakov understood who he was. He knew that he lived a life of unparalleled dedication to Hashem. On the other hand, he had angels at his side. Instead of boosting his confidence, this made Yaakov uncertain. He had received so much from Hashem; surely Hashem expected from him a very high level of service in return. What if he had fallen short of that level, and he would not be worthy of continued protection?

In Yevamos (121b), the Sages state that Hashem is so particular in His judgment of tzaddikim, [that he judges] even by a hair’s breadth [worth of deviation].” This means that the level of avodah that is expected of them due to their great stature is judged to be lacking even if the failure was one hair’s breadth off. In times of danger, such a fault can count against a great tzaddik, and this was clearly a time of danger. This is why Yaakov suspected that he might be “smaller,” meaning his service of Hashem was insufficient in light of all that Hashem had given him.

Even among Torah-observant Jews, some people live with the attitude that their pleasant situation, be it health, livelihood, or family, is entirely normal. They do not see it as a gift from Hashem. Good things are taken for granted, as though it is coming to them, and they can’t imagine things differently. Instead of infusing their mitzvos with a deep sense of gratitude, they view mitzvah observance as a favor to Hashem, or worse, an annoyance. It wouldn’t cross their minds that they have been exceedingly blessed by Hashem, and in turn, they owe Him an exceptional level of avodah.

Yaakov Avinu showed us how untrue this outlook is. He had just suffered while working for a cheating uncle for over twenty years, and he was about to face a brother who was ready to fight a war against him—but all he saw were the great kindnesses that Hashem had done for him throughout his life.

There is another error people can make when bad things happen. If, G-d forbid, something happens to their health, family, or livelihood, they may wonder, G-d forbid, “Why is this happening? I don’t deserve this. Why is Hashem doing this to me? Is He here at all?”

Yaakov Avinu taught us that every single thing that we have is a free gift from Hashem, and that we don’t deserve anything at all. When we understand this well, we will not lose sight of the myriad kindnesses that Hashem does for us at every moment, even when we are facing difficulty.

We can also learn the proper way to pray to Hashem from Yaakov’s example. Yaakov knew that Hashem did not owe him anything. On the contrary, it was he who had already received so much from Hashem. How could he ask for anything? Therefore Yaakov begged Hashem that the great, undeserved kindness he had received until now should continue.

Rav Avraham Pam, Rosh Yeshivas Torah Vodaas, lived until his late eighties. Most of his life, he was in good health. He only fell ill near the last year of his life. After he was hospitalized, he spent his final days in constant physical pain. Still, he never requested any pain medication.

A grandson once asked him why he did not request anything. “All you have to do is ring the bell! They arrive immediately to help you, and they have medicines to ease your pain.”

Rav Pam answered, “Why should I make a fuss over a little bit of pain? How can I complain? My whole life, Hashem gave me so much. He gave me health, He gave me nachas, He gave me children . . . I merited to become a rosh yeshivah! Besides, how long do people live anyway? Many people don’t reach the age of sixty or seventy, and even less people are zocheh to reach the age of eighty. I’m already eighty-eight! I have so much to be thankful for. What’s a little bit of pain compared to the eighty-eight years of good health that Hashem gave me?”

May we be zocheh to recognize Hashem’s kindness and never stop serving Him!

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