פרשת כי תשא
This week’s parsha tells of one of the most shameful events in Jewish history, the sin of the golden calf. The incident was so disgraceful it actually puzzles us – how could such a thing happen? The deed was barbaric and primitive, and the people who were involved had just received the greatest possible revelation of G-d a little over a month earlier. Given that it was a generation of great spiritual prowess, it is extremely perplexing and difficult to grasp how there could even be a possibility of such a thing happening. How could the “דור הדעה”, a generation that saw the sea split and heard G-d’s voice at matan Torah, have acted so foolishly?
The Ramban and the Rabbeinu Bachaye both deal with this question and explain that from the exodus of Egypt until they arrived at Har Sinai, Moshe Rabbeinu was constantly there to guide the Jewish people. He was looked to as the only teacher who could lead them in the ways of G-d and connect them to their Creator. Believing that Moshe had died, the people panicked. Without leadership, and particularly without Moshe, how could they continue? How would they proceed in the desert and survive such extreme conditions? And without Moshe, could they still continue to be G-d’s people? The eiruv rav had a suggestion. They had lost Moshe, who could appeal to Hashem and be granted salvation in the most difficult circumstances, but, claimed the eiruv rav, he could be replaced by a special spiritual mechanism. An ox – a grown calf – is engraved on the left side of Hashem’s Cisei HaCavod, representing Hashem’s power to override His midas hadin. Appealing to the corporeal figure of a calf and honoring it was a way of begging G-d to override His midas hadin and help them through the tribulations they faced. They hoped that Hashem would relate to them through the image they made and guide them, using the calf as an intermediary. Just as they were relating to Hashem through the ox, so too they hoped Hashem would relate to them through it. Such a relationship was thought to be possible because of the spirituality of the Jews at that time. However, the situation quickly degenerated into complete idol worship. People started bringing sacrifices and bowing to the calf itself, forgetting the reason why it was made.
Rav Reuven Fine asserts that the Jews degenerated to worshipping the golden calf because of a negative self-image. They viewed themselves as helpless without Moshe Rabbeinu to guide them. They couldn’t conceive of having an intimate and personal relationship with G-d without an intermediary. Why was this? Why did they view themselves as so incapable? The answer, Rav Fine reveals, is something that we can relate to as well. G-d is so beyond us, Perfect and True in the ultimate sense. And who are we? Small beings with many problems and certainly not developed enough to have a relationship with the Creator of the Universe. When we daven Shmone Esrei and try to have cavana, it’s very hard to not think about mundane matters. And even if we would focus while davening, could we appeal to G-d with enough emotion to pull at His heartstrings? The Jews in the desert truly walked with Hashem and connected to Him in a constant and miraculous manner when they had Moshe Rabbeinu. We can’t imagine what that was like. We can understand why they panicked when they thought Moshe Rabbeinu was gone – they had dropped to a level similar to ours. Feeling that life was now secular and mundane compared to what they were used to, they believed they were no longer precious in Hashem’s eyes. They felt the need to do something drastic to replace Moshe Rabbeinu. However, it was the wrong decision and ended in catastrophe.
When I thought more about the psychological dilemma of feeling that Hashem is unreachable and that our personal avoda doesn’t uplift us, I realized that it’s based on a faulty premise – the notion that in order to be close to Hashem you have to feel or experience something spiritual. This is, frankly, not true. Hashem is close to us as long as we are trying to do His will. The Torah tells us that we are called His sons (look at Devarim 14:1). We are also called His “treasured people,” “a kingdom of priests,” and “a holy nation” (look at Shmos 19). And not only that, but Hashem loves us even if we “come up short.” The Mishna in Menachos 110 tells us that how well a mitzvah is performed is actually irrelevant to Hashem’s estimation of it. When a person tries his best to serve Hashem, regardless of how “successful” he is, Hashem appreciates it and accepts his service. Says the Mishna, “One who does a lot and one who does a little are the same, as long as they are acting l’shem shamayim.” So it may be true that we are inept and have a difficult time “being spiritual”. However, this doesn’t mean we aren’t connected to Hashem. Even if we may be unaware of it, Hashem is connected to us and we are important to Him. And even if we don’t see it, our actions are incredibly valuable to Him.
Interestingly enough, this idea is actually one of the main messages of Purim. It is well known that the era in which the Purim story took place was a time when G-d “hid His face,” so to speak, from the Jewish people. The Beis HaMikdash was destroyed, the Jewish people were in galus, and the megilla itself actually begins with the recounting of a party inspired by the Jewish downfall! Things couldn’t have gotten any less spiritual. And as if the state of affairs couldn’t have gotten any worse for the Jewish people, a decree was then passed to destroy the entire nation! The Rambam in the introduction to his Sefer HaMitzvos explains that despite the dire situation, the Jewish people were saved. And this is a testimony to all future generations that Hashem is always close to His People. As long as they return to Him and try to serve Him, He will never abandon them. He loves us and is connected to us no matter what the situation looks like. Therefore, there is nothing else we need to do nor are there any alternatives to search for. A whole-hearted service of G-d, on whatever level it might be, whether a spiritual delight or not, binds us directly to our Creator.
May we all be zoche to truly understand that we can always connect with Hashem!